sometimes I hate how I like things
Nowadays, I hesitate to tell people about my hobbies. If it isn’t “cool” or something I think they won’t recognize, I just water it down or give a vague answer. And I know there is a slim chance that they might actually know about it or think it’s cool too, but most of the time they don’t, so I’m left explaining what it is or giving up and asking what they like.
One time, I was on a bus with a few acquaintances. One of them asked if I had any hobbies, so I told them about my 35mm camera and how I liked walking around taking pictures. They responded with “Y’know, you could just take photos with a phone.”
During the pandemic, when classes were on Zoom, I tore down the anime posters and drawings I had on the wall. They were on full display in the background if I turned on my camera, and I didn’t want people to know that I watched anime.
I feel like people tend to give praise to the person who says they do programming in their free time and give lukewarm responses to the person who says they draw in their free time. I am the latter, and I don’t want to see the lukewarm responses anymore, so I don’t say that I draw anymore. Easy.
But I do love the things that I love. Drawing, film photography, playing with UTAU, fountain pens, sound design. I have tried to give up drawing multiple times, and every single time, I get to a breaking point and throw everything aside to draw for a bit. I once recorded and mixed an entire cover for a few hours past midnight, even when I had homework due, and then felt guilty about it afterwards.
It’s funny isn’t it? I like things, but I hate how I like them sometimes.
My logical side tells me that there’s no reason to be doing these things. What a waste of time. I could be studying, actually getting better at physics or something, but here I am, staying up into the night for no reason other than to get another hour of doodling in.
My current solution is to tell myself that these things are worth doing because they decrease stress. I imagine looking at myself in the third person like in a simulation game and saying “this person needs to do what they love for an hour.” It’s been working so far, thankfully.
Maybe one day I’ll have the courage to tell someone about my fountain pen in a place that isn’t the internet. But today is not that day, so I’ll just write about it on the internet. Yell it into a void and see if anyone hears, because sometimes I just need to talk about something I like.